It is cloudy and drizzly in Vermont this morning. Even my normal routine of hot tea around six on the porch swing was shorter than normal due to the weather. I rely on that time to watch the sunrise, think about the coming day and wonder how Tom is faring and where he might be.
The interesting thing about becoming a widow is that you are catapulted into a new colony of travelers. we find each other in odd places. You would think we are all married as most of us still wear wedding rings - a coupled state of mind. Widows have an intimacy that belies the amount of time they have known each other. We tell each other things that in normal circumstances would not be a topic of conversation. However the overall topic is how to help each other through this or more to the point to find a destination that makes sense. Most everyone says that it will get better.
For me at least, it just feels like it is getting harder. It is not a question of support as I gratefully have loads of that. It is a question of how to fashion a new life one that was not expected or wanted. What will I become when I grow up? What will I do with my talents? These are not self serving questions but they are ones that deserve considerable thought to make good decisions that capitalize on the life Tom and i had together and the family and home-place we built. Suggestions are gratefully accepted .
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ReplyDeleteDearest Birdie,
ReplyDeleteYou are always growing up —even when you are falling down! And as for what to do with your talents? For now, you ARE doing with your talents, right where you are, with every breath of Vermont air you take in at early dawn on the porch, with every step you take, no matter how faltering it may be, and with every bit of hopeful green that pokes up from your "home-place" grateful to you for your efforts. Weeds too! Suggestions? Take this harder-not-better time slowly with time out to remember how proud Tom would be of his beautiful bird. And well loved you are.
xoxoxoxox
Oh thank you sweetie.. remember that Vermont is not so far away and the porch swing available .. xo
ReplyDeleteI hope you don't think I'm intruding, I just felt compelled to send you a message in answer to your question 'What do I do with my talents?'. You may or may not already know that one of your talents is obviously writing, and writing with an open, honest heart. Grief is such a hard weight to bear some days and with your blog you are helping other too, the feelings you express give others in the same situation a sense of empathy and complete understanding. In the midst of my grief I remember searching for some sort of reassurance that these roller-coaster feelings I was having were normal and that I wasn't going mad! I found this reassurance and empathy in Michael Rosen's 'Sad Book' but I wish I had had your blog too! My advice would be to build your talents in doing the things that make you feel close to Tom, it really helps the hole. Very best wishes, Jo
ReplyDeleteOh Thank You
ReplyDeleteThis Jo agrees with that Jo! Bird, you are a writer of wondrous talent. Your words travel farther and deeper that you might ever know —bringing with them a sense of what is beautiful and possible in the everydayness of a moment. Keep writing please! That porch swing sounds awfully good, btw. xoxo
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